The tour was only JSAs, which was nice, and left from the Union, which was nicer. I meandered down there in the damp and cold and, you know, the 8-in-the-morning, but luckily the bus, bright yellow with "Wild and Sexy" written on one side, and "Haggis Adventures" written on the other, was easy to spot. Normally, I'm a bit leery of tours, and the many kinds of rudeness they seem to service, but the fact that it was only college students probably helped, and our tour guide was excellent: Fergie was a cheerful bald Scottish man, who, whether by design or not, had the Sean Connery accent. On the way to Loch Ness and back, he kept up a running stream of historical facts obviously scripted so as to trick tourists into learning something about Scotland while telling funny stories involving "the incredibly sexy topography of the Highlands." And quite frankly, hilarious and raunchy and bloody is how I like my history. Some highlights:- All you need to know about the first Jacobite rebellion is that they fought naked.
- The stone of Scone (pronounced Skoon, like a schooner) is actually hidden somewhere on Iona at the burial sites of the Scottish kings, and the stone which every English monarch since Edward I, including the current one, has sat upon to be crowned was actually the covering to a latrine. - Skye whiskey will turn the drinker of either gender into Chewbacca.
- Loch Ness, which at its average depth is deeper than the Mediterranean Sea, is Scotland's answer to the Grand Canyon.
- It was St. Cuthbert who successfully brought religion to all of Scotland, including Nessie, who hasn't tried to eat anyone since she accepted Christianity.
We only got a few hours at the Loch itself, as it was a full four hours back to St. Andrews, so the tour was more sort of a whistle-stop of the Highlands. We passed through Dundee, Dunkeld, where we stopped to look at the cathedral, Perth and Scone, passing by the Bernam Wood and Dunsinane, Dalwinnie, Pitlochry, 
where out the window we were able to see both Atholl Palace, built basically because Queen Victoria liked the town, and Blair Castle, home to the rich and single Duke of Atholl and his highlanders, the only private standing army in Europe. Then we hit a long stretch of nothing but beautiful mountains as we passed through Avimore and the Cairngorms, we stopped at the Commando Memorial to take pictures of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in Britain which was surprisingly free of fog that day, and then finally to Fort Augustus and the Loch itself. 
This is Loch Ness.
I was expecting tourist trap. I was expecting lots of activity and noise and, like, sonar. But Loch Ness was an incredibly quiet, serene place. It was sunny and clear and cool and still. Perhaps it's not this way in July; but I only ran into two French backpackers, a group of Spanish girls eating Jaffa Cakes, and a cute Korean couple. So the corniness of the place, as evidenced by all kinds of Nessies everywhere, didn't seem gimmicky or annoying. I was just struck by the beautiful surrounds. First we stopped for thirty minutes in Fort Augustus, at the southernmost end of the 23 mile long Loch, and passed closed shops and a scenic bridge before heading to the Clansman hotel where the tour boat left from and the gift shop was. Instead of going on the boat tour, I hung around for a while in the gift shop, and took a trail through the Abriachan Wood directly above the Loch. 
The walk was a gentle incline surrounded by Hazel, just me and my ipod and some hot chocolate from the Ness Cafe. Part of the reason I love love love Scotland is that the outdoors are so much more emphasized and readily accessible than in the places I usually live. The entrance to the trail kinda resembled, and probably would be much more similar if most of the trees had been green, the scene in Fellowship where the hobbits first meet a Nazgul, which pleased me. In the gift shop I debated some truly fantastic purchases - like the kilt towel and the "I've got a monster" boxers - but in the end went with a little stuffed Nessie and decal of the Saltire for me, and as well as items for various other people. 
On the ride home, we caught the sunset just as we were passing Pitlochry again. We stopped in the town, and I walked down the main street, full of touristy shops and a Backpackers' hostel, and bought some fish and chips from a very sullen Swedish man. Fergie passed around a company ipod and a bunch of people put together a playlist. Quite something to be driving past misty mountains and wild deer and to hear Michael Jackson and NSYNC (we were an ironic bunch) and The Dixie Chicks - "Does anyone else feel bad for Earl?" Fergie wondered. Overall, it was a wonderful, fun day, and I would recommend Haggis Adventures to anyone who gets the chance. I definitely now have a bunch of places I want to go back to on my own time - starting next weekend hopefully with a trip to Edinburgh and Arthur's Seat. 
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